Demaris is our prayer warrior. She at a very young age discovered the power of prayer & uses it faithfully. I am so blessed by her & this gift has taught me much, if we pray believing what answers we find! When she was about 5 years old she decided she wanted a horse so being a believer she prayed daily for a horse in the simple way children do,"please Lord help me to get a horse" everyday, week after week, year after year. I remember hoping she wouldn't be disappointed. One day while I was perusing books at our very small, very old library something wonderful happened. I was looking at the children's books & I looked up to see an old women with white hair watching us; my children & I. Soon we were introduced to Miss Kitty & an unconventional friendship started to grow, she was much older than I, she was from New York, she had only sons, she had horses & my list could go on. I still am amazed that God in Heaven orchestrates things so that "all things work together for good" so smoothly without our being aware. Out of this friendship Demaris began a journey of learning about horses in a very real way. Miss Kitty soon had Demaris coming over to her house to help with her horses & then she approached me privately about allowing Demaris to keep Smoke one of her ponies for the summer. I don't think Miss Kitty had any idea what she did for Demaris that summer! They wrote a contract saying Smoke would live at our house from Memorial Day - Labor Day, I still can see both of those white heads bending forward almost touching as they signed the contract that Demaris thought should be written. For a whole wonderful summer we learned about horses & had weekly Miss Kitty visits. I was pregnant then & as my belly grew so did Demaris grow from being a child to a girl. I saw her falling in love with an old pony & I watched her heart get captured in away it never had before. Soon summer gave way to fall & somehow Miss Kitty became part of our life, Labor Day came & Smoke still lived at our house. One day Miss Kitty asked Demaris what she would think about keeping Smoke, what if he lived with us until she outgrew this pony who for now filled her days? So another contract was written & again I saw the white heads touching as they signed that most important paper that truly answered years of prayer. The paper is put away in a green folder slowly aging. When winter came our Miss Kitty left us, out of this life her very wonderful spirit flew leaving us quite empty. As if she somehow knew to finish what she needed to do & to answer the prayers of a little girl were enough, she taught us all we know about horses & more than that about the gift of giving & simple friendship.

  So seasons change & we grow. Demaris has also grown. This summer I saw her slowly changing from a young girl to somebody she is going to grow into very quickly in the next few years~ the women called Demaris. She is a beautiful girl who loves & feels things deeply. She still prays. I also see her holding onto the little girl she used to be & I ache for her. Change is hard for all of us. She has grown physically taller & looks older. She has begun middleschool & that brings a whole slew of new things. I saw her this past summer clinging to the old Demaris, the world of playing, tea parties, ponies & things in her control. Her relationships are changing, friendships are becoming ones that will last a lifetime. The muscular legs are becoming shapely & the white hair is still long & beautiful. Recently she was out with Smoke carefully brushing his mane that in winter is as white as her hair. He is growing older too. The girl & her horse. I wondered what her mind was thinking as she slowly pulled the brush over his winter coat. Later she came in & asked to talk with me alone. As my children do sometimes. We locked the bedroom door as my heart raced & my mind ran crazy with thoughts I looked over at her & she was crying. She then shared with me her fear. How she loved Smoke but she was too big to ride him anymore, How no one loves Smoke like she does. How bad she feels that she is not so into him anymore. I knew then that this was so much bigger than Smoke. This was top of the mountain she has been climbing all summer~the girl becoming a young women. I held her then as she wept & I got teary too because I know so well this road of growing & how suddenly we are out of our element & how everything seems different. Having 6 other children go through this stage of life I realized again how God is a God of wonders. He sent Miss Kitty to us for the season she was here, He gave Demaris Smoke because she prayed & she needed a pony so badly so that her faith could keep growing. I told her that Smoke knows how much she loves him & how Miss Kitty knew that someday she would get to where she is today & then she could pass the baton on to one of her siblings if she wanted to. Today Demaris says "no", she is still holding on to the pieces of her that are young & how she use to be. I told her that as long as Smoke is living he will be part of our family. I know God is working. I thank Him for that. I know Demaris can't go back because life is like that it keeps us in forward motion. I am excited to see who Demaris will be & where her paths will lead. Somehow a small horse named Smoke is part of who Demaris is. She is still young enough to hang posters on her wall saying " I Love Smoke" & that makes me smile. Again I am humbled by the children & people the Lord has blessed me with.

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says:

"There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

Author unknown

This for all of you who know what grief is...

    I once read a book years ago about a family during the depression years. It was a beautiful story of love & faith in God Almighty, a story of a man who loved the earth, who worked so hard my heart ached for him, a man who was just that; a man. He didn't have big words or money. He just did what he needed to provide for his family & he had heart. I remember laying in bed reading this story: it came alive in my mind & seeing him sweating in the sun & the terrible load of debt that he had when the home he worked so hard for was being lost. I remember feeling his desperation. I loved how he loved his boys. I also remember the way it described his wife, how she came from an educated background, she loved him so much that she never really had words for it all. How she too pinched & saved. How she wanted her boys to know what a man their father was. How she tried so hard all the time to make things better. I also think in all of it she was finding herself too. The way the author describes her is how I would like to write someday. I laughed aloud in some parts because I could see it happening & so relate to how things were in the family. In several places my eyes filled with tears too because the heartache was so real. It is a book I will read again. The man was named Birch Tucker. 

     Our little Birch just had his 2nd birthday & he has some big shoes to fill. I wanted to use this name for a long time & when we found we were having a boy while I was pregnant I knew already who he would be. Birch Tucker is a wonderful name. I have learned much from this baby, who for 2 years has been the center of our world. I have learned humility, for instance I have been a big breast feeding mom & felt truly that everyone can breast feed if they give it half a chance, so when Birch came I assumed that he too would nurse well, after a bout with jaundice & bili lights, trying to nurse a screaming baby every 20 minutes for 8 weeks, after numerous weight checks & little or no weight gain we finally realized our little Birch was hungry. I remember how hard he sucked on that first bottle his whole little body holding on & feeling so sad. For a whole year he had breast & bottle. I remember saying I didin't think I would do that, but that year went by & we did. I learned that my rather high minded thoughts about other moms changed. I thank God for that. I was reading a note I had written in his baby book around that time & I wrote about loving the feel of his solid newborn weight in my arm at night. We co-sleep so for 2 years now Birch has been by me or on me at night. In a time of newer parenting ideas, I sometimes think I have been doing things the younger hip moms are thinking is pretty cool; attachment parenting. Co-sleeping. Breastfeeding longer. Delaying or not all vaccines~ Somehow without knowing it I was ahead of the times...I guess after parenting for 20 years I have finally figured somethings out.                                                            

      Another thing I am learning, is how to communicate with a child who doesn't yet speak. Birch has some hearing loss & still doesn't speak. I never really let myself be bothered by it but recently I was at the post office & a woman was asking him what his name is & he looked at her without responding & she asked again. For the first time I said aloud to a stranger that he doesn't talk yet & it felt different coming out of my mouth. Do I view him differently? Do I baby him more? Do I keep my eye in him more?  Probably yes. I am learning something I didn't think about before; to listen with my eyes & talk with my hands. When I hear him grunting something & look & see his small little boy hands telling me "shoes on" or "feed cows" it does something to my heart. I see his big eyes watching all of us. Does he hear everything? Is he watching me so he doesn't miss out on life? To say over 50 words with your hands is remarkable for someone so small. Each week we work on a new sign. I love how everyone works on it, I see Joe's eyes soften when his little hand is flipping over his lips saying he needs "a drink". I hear Shawnee & Sam squeal when he finally signs the newest word. I hear the littler ones saying words over & over along with the sign & how proud they are when he finally gets it. I watch the big boys scoop him up & know for certain that God makes no mistake~ever. When we got home last night he came running to the door grinning & I said hello & he crossed his small arms over his chest to show "LOVE" & I praised God for who our Birch Tucker is.   

        When I read the Birch Tucker story I think I related  to it so much because Birch reminded me a little of Joe & Trudy his wife a little of me. They were a young couple trying so hard to get it right & often falling way short. As time passes I see how young we were. I see how tragedies have laced their way through our paths. I am thankful for the simple man that Joe is. I see how God is still on the throne & that alone is too big for words. My prayer as we keep learning from this job called parenting, that we can keep growing too. I also hope that my Birch Tucker can be as good a man as the Birch Tucker in the book I read so long ago....